My Space Between Stories: Suffering Silently

I’m living in the space between stories…

Its a place of so much unknown, a flurry of what if’s and a refuge from years of circumstantial unrest.  It’s that place that you got to because you knew there must be more for you then you were allowing yourself to achieve.  It took you so long to get there, you took every precaution possible to make that transition with ease and to prevent that leap from becoming a landslide….yet here you are; in that place between stories, sliding down a hill that you have no idea how your going to climb back up.  It’s a place where you really have to reach deep inside to know who you really are and what your made of. You have to find the strength, the belief, the courage and the knowing that this is all happening for a reason.  It’s a place where you feel like your world is falling apart around you and you have to search for that place inside of you that holds on to that little faith you have to believe its all going to work out in the end.

We don’t know what life looks like when we take that leap of faith and take that risk that we have been mentally preparing ourselves for sooo long.  To leave that place of security and contentment in search of your spirit that you lost so long ago, entering a place filled with so many unknowns.  The guilt of knowing that although life has fallen apart in such a unforeseen way, there are so many people out there who suffer in a worse way and its just an extra weight on your shoulders.

“Of course things could always be worse” – I tell myself that, each time I get out of bed in the morning, put on my workout clothes and hit the pavement for my 25 minute mental health run.  I tell myself this is my “personal development” time…some days its true and some days, that’s absolute bullshit because Im not listening to a word coming out of Tony Robbins mouth. Sorry – just being real. Don’t get me wrong, running has been my saving grace but the internal suffering is real, no matter how hard I try to cover it with optimism and faith.  The day starts of well and then sometimes it’s just a rollercoaster of emotions, deflation, loss faith and questioning all my decisions to this point. I have travelled to third world countries, I know what “real suffering” looks like, I have seen it in its rawest form. Why, when we know how people are physically suffering, do we still get so caught up in our own stories??  I wish I knew the answer to this…

The other day, I made a commitment to myself to start focusing on other people and that I did.  I went out and created a healing package for my friend recovering from Cancer.  I let the people in my life know how much I loved them and I thought about all the things I have and everything I am grateful for.  I go to bed each night saying the gratitude alphabet, it helps me sleep but then I wake up again, to face the same scary circumstances.

I know after this is all over, I will look back and laugh and forget what it felt like.  Life is tough, there is no doubt about it, I am just taking those moments where I feel good and trying to remember that this is what life can feel like everyday, if only I allow it too.  One thing is for certain, when you strip away material things, title and ego …you are left in a place with all the things that truly matter; family, friends, support, love, nature, beauty. You see the things around you through a different lens.  So like I said, its a rollercoaster: My eyes could be filled with tears while I sit and feel sorry for myself and in that same moment a bluejay could come and perch himself in the tree right in front of me, forcing a smile onto my face. It really is suffering and beauty at the same time.

Now Im not writing this for sympathy, Im not looking for a response – that is not my purpose. I am writing this because this is how I heal my suffering and maybe to give others out there who silently, suffer with guilt a knowing that they are not alone.  When this is all over I am going to truly, truly appreciate those good days – because man, are they ever amazing compared to this.