The crazy thing about social media is that you can truly paint a picture of who you want to be and how you want the world to see you. To the social media audience, everything may seem perfect but beneath the photos lay multiple layers that may never be revealed.
I want to share with you some of the layers beneath my photos…my struggles with body image…
As a young girl in my teenage years, I was obsessed with eating healthy; the roots of my passion run deep. I idolized fitness competitors…I thought they were so perfect and I only dreamt of looking like them one day. As I would watch hours of competitions on television my illness began…suddenly my 11 year old body was “fat”. When I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw…I would cry myself to sleep because at 15… I had cellulite. I specifically remember my sister walking into the bathroom and saying to me “Tara…don’t get upset because you have a little bit of cellulite”. When I was old enough to get a gym membership without my parents consent…I became deeply enthralled into the gym culture. Eating and exercising myself into a deep routed, body hatred. No matter how strict I ate, or how much I worked out, I could never look like those girls on tv…
2011 came and I was asked to participate in a fitness competition. All these years I have dreamt of this and finally it was coming true. What I didn’t know is to what extent I would have to go to get “the perfect body”. Hours of training a day; that only my casual employment would allow, hundreds of dollars a week in groceries; just for myself, a cupboard full of natural supplements; that drove me into debt, not to mention that final week of dehydration that would drive me to my knees, begging for just a drop of water….does this not sound crazy!!?? At the time it was just what I had to do to get what I wanted…How badly I wanted “The Perfect Body”???
After placing 2nd in the competition…I was hooked! I was ready to get back up there and compete all over again. Not only did I finally figure out the secret formula to “the perfect body” but I was deeper into a state of body obsession then ever before…an illness of sorts. It wasn’t until my now fiancé, pointed out to me that it isn’t healthy to do an hour of cardio, just because of the guilt of having one piece of pizza. What?? It isn’t?? A lightbulb went off…..this isn’t about “the perfect body”, it is a deep self-obsessed, sickness that not only consumes you, it isolates you and highjacks your mind, playing psychological games…this was no way to live.
Shortly there after I took on a new perception, the “healthy body”; from meat at every meal, to vegetarianism and weight training to functional training. I finally felt like I was at my best, physically, emotionally and spiritually…
…or so I thought.
Only a couple weeks ago, I contacted Lydia with L.B. Photography, an up and coming photographer that I have been working with for my blog photography. We decided to do a series of workout photos, to showcase my summer blog post line-up. This came about after my daily exposure to all the “successful” health leaders and their picture-perfect photos on Instagram; I wanted to be successful too…maybe this was the way… (Instagram can be bitter sweet). We had a great time taking photos…a little out of my body-comfort zone but I am always trying to push myself outside of my limits. As we went through the photo shoot she would flash me a sneak peak photo here and there and each one I couldn’t help but feel my stomach turn…as I would self critique my every little roll, or awkward squeeze of my skin. I went home from that day not only feeling horrible about myself and sad about the photos I had just seen…this precipitated me onto a strict eating and exercise regime until I was back to my perception of “The perfect Body”.
You see…the truth is, we all have these moments of self criticism, much of it stems from the way media portrays health and beauty. Even I can get caught up in these images and find myself trying to be “perfect”, in my quest for success. As I am learning myself…beauty comes from within and we are all beautiful in our own way, imperfections are beautiful. As I learn to practice self-love and accept myself as I am..I have began to feel more at peace. Being healthy also starts within…and the fittest bodies aren’t necessarily the healthiest. When we stop obsessing over perfection and start focusing on health….we can truly begin to accept ourselves as we are and find inner peace. I will continue to post my photos, accepting them for what they are…knowing that my vision is far bigger then anything a photo could ever achieve.
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